Tag Archives: Wild surmises

Orko. No, really.

And here is Orko, just where you would think to find a character from He-Man, in the middle of a crowded piazza in Munich (Marienplatz, since you ask).

At the risk of having mortally offended people out there, isn’t the resemblance uncanny?

That said, I would love to know from a more enlightened soul what this actually is.

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The Great Soap Conspiracy

Apparently- despite all evidence to the contrary!- we humans are a moderately clean lot. Soap has clearly been around the world for a long time.

Soap is:

sæbe in Danish;  saippua  in Finnish;  seife in German;  zeep in Dutch;

såpe in Norwegian;  sabão in Portuguese;  sapo in Latin;  savon in French;

sapone in Italian;  săpun in Romanian;  sabuni in Swahili;  saabbuun in Somali;

saabun in Hindi;  sabun in Indonesian;  jabón in Spanish;  shaban in Bengali;

shabon in Japanese;  and szappan in Hungarian.

Some of the spellings appear different but a lot of the words sound the same when spoken.

So how did this happen? Did one group of Soap Proselytisers (the “Soap Scum”) wander the earth, their sole mission being to spread the Word of the Soap to the Great Unwashed? Did soap travel as a precious commodity from continent to continent (“Here is my tribute to you Sire, from my three year voyage, five bars of soap for which we fought the savages!”) Or was soap left by the aliens when they were spying on Earth? That bar of soap in your bathroom, that’s actually an alien data collector, and when the time comes for the alien invasion, your DNA on that soap will be used to hatch mini-yous!

Got to stop the Matrix-madness now and go help the alien cause by washing my hands.

Charlie Hatches his Masterful Plan

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Shiny Happy People in a Shiny Happy World

There exists somewhere in this universe an elusive parallel perfect world called Ad-lantis. The full form is ‘Wishful-thinking-and-willful-suspension-of-disbelief-through-a-lifetime-of-media-brainwashing-on-the-idiot-box-and-other-forms-of-mass-media-lantis’ but it doesn’t have the same ring to it.

In this perfect world, all houses are aesthetic, large and tastefully appointed. All singletons live in sexy waterfront or city skyline apartments, and all families live in big houses with manicured front lawns and two washed cars outside. No chocolate wrappers or empty bottles of water litter the seats of those cars. Children get salad dressing all over their mother’s blouse and she lightly laughs (because it is after all very amusing) and rushes off to the super efficient washing machine with the super efficient washing powder. The stain disappears in an instant and the blouses magically dries and irons itself. The toilet is full of billions of scheming ugly bacteria hatching plans and spawn, but ZAP! and with one spray (and no time spent in gruesome brushing and swabbing) it’s a spanking white place where you could drink from the pot.

Friends are all joy and light and champagne on the terrace and diving from yachts and old shared inside jokes. All summer days are spent picnicking in the park where everyone poses for casually dishevelled snaps, licking ice cream but never getting fat.

Dogs are totally well behaved all the time. In fact, they’re not dogs, they’re mini-people who can fetch frisbees and understand every word you say. They never shed onto the rugs. It’s so cute when they jump up on you and demand to be fed, and you positively owe it to them to give them the organic brand dog food that all the other dogs are being fed. It would be cruelty otherwise. Animals are cartoon characters who talk. So when you meet a gator, it might offer you a soft drink rather than chomp you up. Rats are cute animals who make great chefs. Baby fish far from home always get back to their parents, and never get eaten en route in a sushi kitchen.

Motherhood isn’t stretch marks and sleep deprivation and wads of dirty diapers, it’s cuddling and cooing with baby lotion and an ever-smiling baby in a clean house with strategically placed aesthetic looking toys and a pristine white couch. With a bath that never splashes. And if it does, which mops itself up by magic.

Dads are alway home, fixing up barbecues, cracking jokes ho-ho-ho!, rushing off to the beach with the kids and the dog, and having breakfast with the family. Breakfasts are all-family affairs, with everyone sitting around and reading the paper and drinking tea in a perfect sunny kitchen with a table sans breadcrumbs, and no dirty dishes in the sink.

Teens rebel in a measured way, and never have zits. If they do, one dab of anti-zit cream takes care of it.

Hairstyles always stay in place, eye make-up never smudges, lipstick never gets chewed up. Women never need to carry purses anywhere, just the light summer dress with the tottering heels suffices. Did you have a run in your tights? You can just take them off whilst walking down the street and walk off without a care in the world. A female archaeologist returns from a day-long dig, discards the khaki shorts whilst walking through the hotel lobby, and voila! what you thought was a tee was a slinky stretch dress (with not a sweat patch in sight), and she’s miraculously transformed into a sex goddess quaffing cocktails with sexy names.

Whilst these perfect people lead their perfect lives, the rest of us spend the rest of our lives wondering how to find this perfect world.

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